[TLDR: Getting constructive feedback is tough, but it’s also firm but fair and will remind me to make my presence more of a positive force on the team. I’m learning to be great, to be proud, and to believe in myself and my ability to create]
6/19/17 – Hello friends, it’s 10:44 p.m. and I am pooped so I’m aiming to go to bed by 11 p.m. Today, I got my first few pieces of constructive criticism and rest assured, I cried my eyes out afterward (good thing I was able to find a lil’ corner on the floor before mine, and I made it to the bathroom before the waterworks ensued). My supervisor had said that I seemed really tired and that I was preventing others from being productive, and that I needed to be more engaged (in reality, I had a debilitating migraine that literally made it hard to see, and I promise that I’m not one to be “dramatic” or talk about physical pain like this. Wow, I guess I don’t have enough energy to react in full force in writing, but it’s a little frustrating because I am adjusting to the company and it hasn’t necessarily been easy but I’m doing my best because it’s tech la la land aka uncharted territory in my book and I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate it. Honestly, all I’ve ever known was hospitals and pre-med trajectories and getting it wrong all the time that I don’t even know if I trust myself in this role. But honestly, I don’t think that they’re seeing my clearly. I really am engaged and excited, but I’m also nervous because everyone has 10+ years of experience and can spit out acronyms like MSC and SEO and UWP like nobody’s business, and I’m just LOST sometimes.
So, I guess I’ll try to ask more questions and bring all of myself to the table. Maybe I just need to be more engaged the way that I know how to be, and try to make a more deliberate effort to curb my anxiety because I have 12 weeks to make an impression and I’m still learning how to be great, but I want to take full advantage of the fact that I’m at Microsoft this summer – which isn’t a small feat.
I need to believe in myself and remember that I was chosen or a reason. I’m so tired of apologizing for not being good enough, and for not letting myself that I deserve to be there. I got this insert power pose and confidence and everything else in between ❤
Also, I didn’t debrief my conversation with my high school best friend the other day, but I just wanted to document how thankful I am that my friend accepts me in my rawest and most honest form, and that she saw it in me since the beginning. It’s confirmation that coming out is part of letting the world see the most authentic parts of me. And it certainly helps that we can joke about the past with the newfround tagline, “and I’m the gay one” 😉 – she’s definitely got me excited to date someone and feel that sense of genuine connection with a person who constantly elevates me. But at the same time, I’m lucky to get a lot of that from the people currently be in my life ❤ Cheers to that and summer and Dads who let me bring my car and fluffy maroon blankets that won’t leave my bed (even in summer), but also cheers to fun dogs on the Light Rail that are excited about life and friends that buy Boom Chicka Pop popcorn for us to snack on all night.