9/26/17: I’m back at that daily reflection grind, and I’m hoping to keep it that way! This morning, I met with a content strategist at Facebook and talked to her about the value of working at a socially minded company that cares about the mental health of its employees and users. I sometimes wonder if I took this aspect of Microsoft for granted, but hopefully that’s not the case! I want to work at a place that’s high-impact and values people as people – after all, I’m in Human Centered Design and Engineering so it’s basically in our job description
I told her about how I wrote articles about being a person of color at Microsoft and all of the stories leading to my internship offer – the impostor syndrome, switch from major to major, and moments when I wondered if my identity alone was enough to take me out of the race. She opened up to me about her desire to write about her friend who was murdered by their partner – heavy, right? I focused on responding with empathy and validating her resilience in telling stories that aren’t shared in the workplace, let alone tech companies. I hope that I will get to work there or an analogous company that values my work – and even if a recruiter isn’t looking for me, I’ll make myself known.
(a few hours later)
today feels a little bit hard and maybe even a tad frustrating, but I don’t want a little bump to cause a slump in my attitude. Tomorrow is the first full day that I’ll spend in my major, Human Centered Design and Engineering. I’ll meet new peers and work with people on their papers and wonder how I’ll get everything done, somehow, someway. I was made to be something / make things do things / be proud of myself.
List 49: What are the things you want to get rid of?
I want to get rid of clothes that I don’t wear, self-deprecating thoughts, people who don’t value me, self-doubt about my abilities, classes that are more stressful than they are fun, songs that don’t make me want to dance, drinks that aren’t delicious, pens that aren’t in fun colors, people who don’t see my worth, sweaters that aren’t soft, places that don’t feel like home, people who don’t want to see my grow, coffee that’s not strong, candy that’s not sweet, planners that aren’t full of things that make me smile, companies that don’t see my worth, etc.
List 51: List the ways that you’ve invested in your happiness this year
- Took the chance and applied to my dream major, Human Centered Design and Engineering
- Applied for jobs that aligned with my interests in higher education & desire to learn more about design
- Lived with people who actually care about me and my mental health
- Stopped caring so much about what other people thought about me
- Booked a trip to see my favorite person in Chicago
- Embraced my identity as a writer
- Said yes more than I said no
- Let myself feel deep and profound love, even if it’s not manifesting in the same way anymore
- Met with people who inspired me, and convinced them to believe in me
- Bought cute things like a hello lovely pillow and cute polaroid prints and a mellow wine blush that makes me feel more confident than ever
- Wrote in a journal all the time and shared those thoughts with people who mattered a lot.
- Bought cute jean jackets and tops that give me some cleavage and chokers that bring the attention up my face i.e. right where it belongs
- Told my friends that I loved them and dedicated time to seeing them
- Made running part of my everyday practice of self-care
- Made Spotify playlists that accurately reflected how I felt about the day
List the ways that you feel lucky:
I feel lucky that I get to look at namebrand companies and see myself working there. I am lucky that my identity as a person of color has made me more reflective and aware and grateful for the mentors who care for me as a person. I’m lucky that some people really care, really ask, really want to know what’s up with me. I’m lucky that I get to be in college studying what I really love, and that my jobs are underpinned by the premise of helping people tell their story. I’m lucky to have so many pictures but even more moments when I was really happy and proud and empowered and loved, and I hope that never changes.
9/27/17 – It’s the first day of school and I am more exhausted than anything, but I’m here and I will be a college graduate and it’s gonna be OK. I’m glad that my co-workers are vulnerable, give me pizza, tell me about culture in their home countries, and tell me that my social media is fun and positive
9/28/17: This is a little bit of post-reflection reflection, but it’s the first Friday of the quarter and it seems appropriate. The other day, a new tutor at Ode shadowed me and said that I was their tutoring goals, which made me feel warm and fuzzy because I’m en route to becoming everything I want to be, and I think it’s working. My HCDE classes definitely had me extremely intimidated about the future, but we will make it happen.
Also, I met with an old friend and we talked very maturely about how 1) people are really important in the workplace, 2) you need to engage in positive self-talk, and 3) relationships that weigh you down aren’t worth pursuing. It’s nice to know that I can be real with some people when it comes to love and loss and success and industry goals. And then I ended the day at home with mac and cheese, oranges, and chocolate chip & pumpkin spice cookies with my cute roommates. How nice! I’m very full and I have a Starbucks tumbler of water as I listen to Often by the Weeknd (is it freshman year?!) and I’m a little bit confused by love but it’s all gonna be okay. I’m here to make beautiful things and have hope and see a future where I’m truly happy ❤